shambles.

i started writing this post the other day...
at the time i was writing, i had a few things on my mind, but they mostly revolved around the sentiments i heard at my friend's Father's funeral on Tuesday.
My friend, D & his brother T had spoken about the absolute love between their parents, and how, even though they had met in April and married the following October, they had one of, what sounded to me like, the most amazing, perfect love stories there has ever been.
Sitting next to L at the funeral, having been his place to stay and his connection to the town he used to call home, my heart buzzed in memories of how much i had loved him, Once upon a time...
it hit me in a weird way. I had, un-admittidly at the time, wanted, so badly, for him to take my hand, put his arm around me, tell me that he loved me too. I wanted, so badly, to be the couple that, if things had happened differently, all those years ago, we may have been.
He didn't, we weren't. Instead, we are something else, something different. Something that, in some ways, is way better, way more important, way more rare. Something I'm so proud of, but also, something that keeps the expression of any feelings of wanting more, completely un-allowable.
 
because i want to share the way i was feeling then, i'll give you the start of my original post, then i'll continue on to tell you why i changed the name of this post from it's original "nesting." to the current "shambles".

 nesting.

 originally written at 2:00p on February 3rd, 2010

the past few days have been rough, sad, & emotional, but also, in a weird, silver lining way, kinda great.
I picked up ex fame duck at the train station on monday, &, even though the circumstances (our friends father's funeral) i was very happy to see him.

[i don't really like the name Ex Fame Duck 
for him that much anymore... 
I'm gunna call him Aesop, for my own reasons.]

he looked dapper as hell in his Reservoir Dogs suit &, like always, my heart did a little flutter when he walked toward me.

 
with a huge hug, a kiss & a "Hey Baby!" we climbed into the car & set off toward town, where i dropped him off at the Funeral home for the wake, feeling way under dressed & a little uncomfortable about going in, waited for him in the car & read The Lovely Bones, which i kinda felt weird about later.
After the wake, he came back to the car & we head over to one of the local "watering holes" to meet a few other friends (aka your girl Spanky at dinner & drinks with seven boys, including Cinnamon Duck... which, i know see was def a one night thinger i guess, bc even though i sat between him & ex fame duck, there was nothing.)
We had drinks, some grub & eventually, head back to my place for the night. It was weirdly simple& perfect, but i found myself in the start of a slippery slope. The old feelings rushing back, trickling in.
i was feeling the need to nest.

 
i even found myself, at one, embaressing moment, feeling overcome with the want to break out & sing:

"It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live..."

[ 'your song" full lyrics & song by elton john

& gorgeous Moulin Rouge version w. E. McGregor]

which, being a total nut for music and theatrics, he may have appreciated, to a degree.
i hadn't gotten very far on my post yesterday. I usually end up starting these long posts at work & then save the draft & finish them later. That was my plan, until i received a call from my mother with 15 minutes left in the work day.
She told me that due to some issues not pertaining to me, the family, and even my bank account had been drained.

I lost it.

in the next hour i went through so many emotions; confusion, anger, disbelief, sadness, loss, fury...
I spoke with two friends on the phone. One, always dependable, offered helpful advice, a shoulder to cry on, & anything else that we could think possible, that she'd be able to do.
the other offered the same, as well as a place to stay. (1,500 miles away in a different time zone)
 
My friends, my dears, my luvs...
i don't know what to do.
Apparently, the money issue is being handled, as we speak, but the main issue remains strong.

 
i wish more than anything that i could hold onto the past memories & be happy with them as they were, not always begging the world for more from what has already passed.
i wish that i could be hopeful for a bright future, know that i will find the love that my friends parents had, believe that it truly is "better to have loved & lost..."
i wish that i could put on my happy smile, face the world, & tell it to bring it.
i wish that i could be nothing but a source of giddy, silly, childlike wonder & fun for all you, my luvs.
i wish, but i just don't seem to be able to keep it up, right now.
my strength is wavering, & if i don't get out of this emotional vacuum soon, i'm afraid this happy little chickie is going to turn into something dark.

 
i'm sorry if i brought you down...

i'll try to end on a good note, 

like i always do.

the truth also is, i wish the circumstances had been better, but i truly loved having Aesop stay with me for a few days. he just brightens me up. He loves my family, loves life & really makes me smile.
Also, his visit gave me the real kick in the ass that i needed to make my room presentable, so, silver lining:
i now have a beautiful, clean room w/ new crazy soft sheets!

    

[no, that's not really my bedroom, i wish... 

i gotta keep the mystery alive, 

can't be showing off my room! 

but boy, do i luvs me some PBteens!]

 
luvs it*