shambles.

i started writing this post the other day...
at the time i was writing, i had a few things on my mind, but they mostly revolved around the sentiments i heard at my friend's Father's funeral on Tuesday.
My friend, D & his brother T had spoken about the absolute love between their parents, and how, even though they had met in April and married the following October, they had one of, what sounded to me like, the most amazing, perfect love stories there has ever been.
Sitting next to L at the funeral, having been his place to stay and his connection to the town he used to call home, my heart buzzed in memories of how much i had loved him, Once upon a time...
it hit me in a weird way. I had, un-admittidly at the time, wanted, so badly, for him to take my hand, put his arm around me, tell me that he loved me too. I wanted, so badly, to be the couple that, if things had happened differently, all those years ago, we may have been.
He didn't, we weren't. Instead, we are something else, something different. Something that, in some ways, is way better, way more important, way more rare. Something I'm so proud of, but also, something that keeps the expression of any feelings of wanting more, completely un-allowable.
 
because i want to share the way i was feeling then, i'll give you the start of my original post, then i'll continue on to tell you why i changed the name of this post from it's original "nesting." to the current "shambles".

 nesting.

 originally written at 2:00p on February 3rd, 2010

the past few days have been rough, sad, & emotional, but also, in a weird, silver lining way, kinda great.
I picked up ex fame duck at the train station on monday, &, even though the circumstances (our friends father's funeral) i was very happy to see him.

[i don't really like the name Ex Fame Duck 
for him that much anymore... 
I'm gunna call him Aesop, for my own reasons.]

he looked dapper as hell in his Reservoir Dogs suit &, like always, my heart did a little flutter when he walked toward me.

 
with a huge hug, a kiss & a "Hey Baby!" we climbed into the car & set off toward town, where i dropped him off at the Funeral home for the wake, feeling way under dressed & a little uncomfortable about going in, waited for him in the car & read The Lovely Bones, which i kinda felt weird about later.
After the wake, he came back to the car & we head over to one of the local "watering holes" to meet a few other friends (aka your girl Spanky at dinner & drinks with seven boys, including Cinnamon Duck... which, i know see was def a one night thinger i guess, bc even though i sat between him & ex fame duck, there was nothing.)
We had drinks, some grub & eventually, head back to my place for the night. It was weirdly simple& perfect, but i found myself in the start of a slippery slope. The old feelings rushing back, trickling in.
i was feeling the need to nest.

 
i even found myself, at one, embaressing moment, feeling overcome with the want to break out & sing:

"It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live..."

[ 'your song" full lyrics & song by elton john

& gorgeous Moulin Rouge version w. E. McGregor]

which, being a total nut for music and theatrics, he may have appreciated, to a degree.
i hadn't gotten very far on my post yesterday. I usually end up starting these long posts at work & then save the draft & finish them later. That was my plan, until i received a call from my mother with 15 minutes left in the work day.
She told me that due to some issues not pertaining to me, the family, and even my bank account had been drained.

I lost it.

in the next hour i went through so many emotions; confusion, anger, disbelief, sadness, loss, fury...
I spoke with two friends on the phone. One, always dependable, offered helpful advice, a shoulder to cry on, & anything else that we could think possible, that she'd be able to do.
the other offered the same, as well as a place to stay. (1,500 miles away in a different time zone)
 
My friends, my dears, my luvs...
i don't know what to do.
Apparently, the money issue is being handled, as we speak, but the main issue remains strong.

 
i wish more than anything that i could hold onto the past memories & be happy with them as they were, not always begging the world for more from what has already passed.
i wish that i could be hopeful for a bright future, know that i will find the love that my friends parents had, believe that it truly is "better to have loved & lost..."
i wish that i could put on my happy smile, face the world, & tell it to bring it.
i wish that i could be nothing but a source of giddy, silly, childlike wonder & fun for all you, my luvs.
i wish, but i just don't seem to be able to keep it up, right now.
my strength is wavering, & if i don't get out of this emotional vacuum soon, i'm afraid this happy little chickie is going to turn into something dark.

 
i'm sorry if i brought you down...

i'll try to end on a good note, 

like i always do.

the truth also is, i wish the circumstances had been better, but i truly loved having Aesop stay with me for a few days. he just brightens me up. He loves my family, loves life & really makes me smile.
Also, his visit gave me the real kick in the ass that i needed to make my room presentable, so, silver lining:
i now have a beautiful, clean room w/ new crazy soft sheets!

    

[no, that's not really my bedroom, i wish... 

i gotta keep the mystery alive, 

can't be showing off my room! 

but boy, do i luvs me some PBteens!]

 
luvs it*

cabin fever.

o man, i feel like i've been getting a bit nutty the past week.

it's only been 1 week since i've been able to drive, yet i feel like i've started going a little nutzo!

i was supposed to go to this thing at my fav local bar on Monday, with a girlfriend of mine, Very Berry, but she'd had a crazy day, started with a rough nights sleep, so she didn't end up going out.
then, i was going to go out Thursday w/ Gia Pet, but, she ended up not really wanting to either (majour blizzard out of no where in this dumb state made driving kinda stupid - took my dad & i 50 mins to get me to work Thursday morning... i live less than 10 miles away!). So, both nights, i stayed in.

Last night, i went out with [basically] everyone from work as a "Welcome" Happy Hour for the newest hire, Alex. It was fun, got a little cracra, but, overlall, it was a nice couple of hours.
-funniest thing that's happened in a long time Everyone i was with (Rickdiculous, Drew Stoga aka Stoga Party, Kelly Bean, Bossmen Mike & Kevin, D Weiss-Guy & New Guy Alex, who's nickname i've decided will be Allegro, bc his last name is Dancho, and the mexican place across the street from work is called Rancho Allergo... aka Dancho Allegro... ) decided that they wanted to try the super hot, 5 alarm wings, called "Hell Fire".
A plate (probably the 6th for the table) was dropped off, and everyone (not me or Kelly Bean) took one. They all geared themselves up to bit into the super hot wings, and after a second, they all started saying that it wasn't that bad & "these wings are pretty tasty actually!"...
As they all go on their macho manly wing eating talents, i point out the name of the 5 alarm wings to Rickdiculous saying "ha, they're called 'Hellfire'!"... as he goes to look, saying "pah, really?" & "do they have a 6 alarm? these are nothing!" - A guy with a huge platter of VERY spicy looking (dripping with sauce) wings came over announcing "I GOT AN ORDER OF HELLFIRE WINGS HERE!"...
i burst out laughing. the wings they'd been eating, were like medium heat, maybe.
we all had a good laugh (me thinking it was HILAR), & they all started again, to dive into the real spicy wings.
 

[the footage i have of this will be loaded to the GigMasters Facebook Fan Page...

eventually]

there was also the guy who came up to me & Kelly Bean outside, while having a smoke, and told me that i was "so hot", "fine looking" & looked 16 all in the same few breaths...
i looked at him & said "you thought that i was 16 & you came out here saying that shit to me?!"
ha,

spanky - 1, creeper - 0

i've spent most of the day hoping my looming cold will realize it's not welcome & go away, watching some bad TV & cleaning out my closest.
I've bagged up two large garbage bags of clothes to be donated, but i have some that i'm not sure about.
I might try them on, take photos, & post them so you can help me decide (sound good?).

while making some tea today, i noticed today's mail was in the dining room... what did i find?
my

DRIVERS LICENSE REINSTATEMENT LETTER!

whoooop!

So, now, i need to find something to do with myself tonight, before i get even more crazed in my Cabin Fever... i hope that someone is around to go drink w/ me.

Then, i'll be back to cleaning tomorrow.

Unfortunately, my friend Des, suffered from a family tragedy this past week.

His Father passed away from cancer.

The funeral is on Tuesday, &, even though I don't think I met Des' father more than maybe once, years ago, i've been friends w/ Des for years, & I think I should go to support him.
Hoss is coming home for the weekend for it, as well as Lannon. I think that Lannon (ex fame duck) will end up staying with me for a few nights, so i have to really step up the cleaning.
I guess we're all (ex fame duck, Hoss, & a bunch of other old friends) are going to try to take Des out Monday night & let him unwind a bit. i hope that things don't get too crazy though.

so, now i can drive again. i have to bring these clothes to be donated, be there for an old friend, pack up some boxes of junk to either store or sell, throw away a ton of trash, pay off some bills, fix this damn disaster of a dye job, get some things back in gear & start making a real change.

[first things first: cure the cabin fever. 

find something to do tonight!

do i a) see if anyone ends up coming 

out tonight, or 

b) be spontaneous & go to the city w/ Very Berry?]

to end the post on a happy note, & hopefully inspire myself as well as all of you, i give you this:

luvs it*

say whaaa?!

 

wow.

i did NOT see that coming...

 

Houdini called me... like an hour & a half ago.

 

[in the dark? original post here, catch up then come back!!! please?] 

the two things he said that were so typical:

"i was reaaaally drunk" - ya, i know, cop out central, but i've been there before, so, i guess i'll take that & cash it.

"my ride was out the door & i couldn't find you" - well, i mean, i was basically in the same two spots the entire night; kitchen or garage... other than the 5 mins i was in the bathroom. so...

my misunderstanding:

it wasn't until about 30 mins into our conversation (which lasted an hour...) that i realized his text:

[was good seeing you but i think i'm donzo. peace out kiddo]

was NOT meant to be what i read it as.

-boys, take note...

when i saw that [after a day of drinking, yes] i took it as

"look.. i'm over it, i'm over you, i'm done with this. it was nice to see you, but nothing is happening with us"

what he MEANT was

"i'm glad that i got to see you, but i'm really drunk & i need to go to sleep. hope to see you soon"... 

ya, my bad, sorry guys, i guess i may have done a typical chick thing... at least i read it & was like "ok, whatever, peace" & i didn't explode, yell & flip any tables, jersey style... right?

then...

::neeeeerrrrrrrrrrr kaboooooom!::
 

"i didn't want to admit it, even to myself, but i realize that i like you a lot more than i thought... i really like you."

whaaaa!?

 
honestly, i feel a lil bad writing about this. i feel like, if it were reversed, i'd be real hurt if someone that i'd just admitted to liking, was writing about me on the internet...
shit. am i total bitch for this? [i removed parts of the original post, fyi]
 
anyway. it's getting really late & i have work in the am [ugh.] & a long commute bc i'm crashing on JenBunny's very comfortable pull out couch. [haha].
 
Houdini [i guess i'll have to change the name... maybe Conundrum?] ends up telling me that he'll be home next weekend & wants to take me out on a real, one on one dinner date. He understands that nothing is going to become of it, but he said that he wants to be able to sit down & enjoy some time together... so, maybe i'll do that.

[is that a bad idea?]

i wish that i'd recorded our convo, but i guess that would be REAL nuts. i only wish so that i could reiterate.
at first, i let him have it. i told him that i thought it was bullshit that he peaced, bullshit that he sent me that text (which, i now understand the context of), & told him that he needed to chill out bc i wasn't looking for commitment & he knows he can't either, so he needs to stop even considering it & just let shit go, so we can hang out, have fun & whatever.
at one point, he kinda said "i've had this conversation before, but it was the other way around"

- was he saying that i was acting like a dude? pah. well shit...

so, i guess we'll see, but i'll tell you one thing... shit could get hella weird within the next week or two because i'm still hoping to see my new duck, who happens to be one of Houdini's friends. [whoops?]
 

*fun fact: they are both friends with a few guys i've hooked up with over the years, including ex fame duck, Lannon... they also both are very aware that Lan was "my first" in high school.

**funner fact: i texted ex fame duck today, asking for advice about Cinnamon Duck, because i know they're friends... he said

[He's the man... did you guys eff?]

pah! o man. i luvs that i can ask him that shit. & no, we did not "eff". ha!

 
i don't know, i guess i'll see how it all unfolds. i'll tell you one thing, my luvs, i'm kinda annoyed at the way the world goes. why is it that everything is absolutely stagnant for months, sometimes, then all of a sudden... too much at once? i'm not a juggler. it's not one of my skills...
 

geez. i guess i really need to get my ducks in a row!

 

 

luvs it*

cozy conundrum.

a luvly friend of a friend gave me a very generous gift of $50 toward Victoria Secret.

[wow! thanks!!!]

there were a few things that i didn't get from my wish list* that i really wanted needed from the power house that is [affectionatly] vickie's...

what i really wanted, was the soft & sexy wrap.

ok, simple, it's on sale for $39. perf... but...
what colour?!?!?!?!

HELP!!!

here are the ones i like...

lemme know which one [two?] you think i should get!

thanks babers!

ps: so stoked right now, TiVo really does luvs me... it picked out some shows for me to watch, without me having to tell it to! what am i watching right now you ask?!

"a Very Tanner Christmas"

Full House? YES!!! NOW it's Christmas!

& i literally just heard my ex fame duck on another commercial - Sear's Door Buster Sale ad, that sexy voice? ya, i tapped that... hahahahah

luvs it*

i know boys are stoopid... so then why do i care?

ugh. have you ever come up with the perfect narration for a life story while in an impossibly annoying situation (driving on the highway, brushing your teeth, walking a tight rope)? Well, i came up w/ a luvly little diddy while in the shower just now & i'm peeved that all i can remember are a few choice lines & the bare bones idea. It was whimsical, poetic even. It had lyrics, not lines. it was full of articulate strings of 50 cent SAT words & references to the good 'ole days. :o( i'll try to remember.

blarg...

it all started when i met a boy. i met him in the 6th grade. i was 11. he was in a different "class house" as i was, so i didn't know him very well & honestly, i found him intriguing, but i was far too distracted by the Jack's, the Alex's & the some 23 Chris' in my own "class house" (go yellow house! wooop!) that i was sure were my future. Oh, i'd fantasize about these boys being my first kiss, my prom date, & eventually seeing them at the end of the fearie tale aisle. I thought that they were surely my future, not this silly boy who at the ripe age of 11-12 professed his love for another girl (a GREEN house girl). It was epic in the days of trapper keepers walking into town on fridays & remember locker combination for the first time ever. I didn't much care. at all. not yet anyway.

3 years passed & i "dated" a few boys. Even three that were in high school when i was in 8th grade! (btw.. that made me a slut, not a legend...) my first date came & went, my first kiss was over, disappointing and almost forgotten (i ended up voming all over that kid two weeks later... it's ok.. he deserved it.. the little prick) i'd acted in school plays, gotten a retainer that i wore for about a week & even grew up pretty fast when a close friend passed away tragically the first week of 8th grade. He was 13. Through all of this and moving to a different house, i'd also made new friends and lost some old ones. But i still didn't much know, or care about this boy.



Freshman year of high school. I took theatre. I'd been looking forward to this for so long. A whole class EVERY day to honor & perfect my craft of choice. Well... the teacher got preggers & the year was basically spent with a sub every day reading off a lesson plan. "work.. on your... monologues." disappointing, but ended up being great... don't worry.. i'm getting there. This boy, he was in my acting class. We started to talk, no big deal, worked together on some class work & eventually ended up wanting to work together every day. Oh how quickly i fell. Little did i know what was coming for me. a wirlwind of teen angst, euphoria & heartbreak. Given that every day we had a 48 min period where the 15 (give or take) of us were basically let loose in the auditorium, it became my favourite 48 mins very fast. Do you have any IDEA how many dark corners & secret hiding spots one (or should i say, "two") can find in a big, basically empty theatre? a lot. trust me. i've found them all. including the lighting catwalk about 50 feet over the seats. (terrifying, dusty & definitely NOT romantic..)



So, me & my boy would spend the class in some hidden crevice going over each others monologues, playing the piano (well, he played, i swooned) & just the slightest bit of flirting. There was a wrench in the works... we'll call her "C". She was obnoxious & she wanted him something awful. She sweat him HARD. No worries, she's a minor detail. She had nothing on me! ;o)

ANYWAY... the sad thing is that i don't remember our first kiss... i don't remember our first real "hot & heavy" moment, i couldn't tell you where we went the first time we "went out" or anything like that. I don't even remember what plays we were in together or anything. What i do remember is that i fell fast & i fell hard. He was the object of my affection & i had a lot of affection to give.



He was in the school musical our Freshman year. I sat in the front row. I brought him flowers. It was cute. After that, a club formed. (weird... yes..) He now had a fan club of 8th grade girls who had basically come to the musical to scope out the upper classmen who they would join in a few short months. When the "i love" club was chartered for him, the teenies got wind of my existence & more importantly, my involvement. Many of them saw as i walked past the "actors only" sign & threw my arms around him after the show. I was an obstacle, a BIG one & a threat. There was now an "i hate spanky" club!!! (obviously it wasn't "spanky", but go with me) Can you believe it!? what a bunch of prepubescent bitches, right?




skip ahead a little bit because i'm afraid i might be losing you.

It was Jr. year now. We'd had mountain top highs & shit on the bottom of your shoe lows. We'd shed tears, shared moments, & broken up for periods of 3 months, 3 weeks or 3 hours. We were each others first. It wasn't very romantic, but for everything that it was, it's was damn near perfect. He was, without a shadow of a doubt, my first love. (yes readers.. i said "LOVE" not luv... this was real real LOVE). We even said it to each other. I'd never said it to anyone & even though he would usually only say it at weird times, he said it back. I believe that he meant it.

the reason this is all relevant? Well... about 5 months, roughly 10 fights, the loss of 2 friendships & quite a bid of "dates" later, we called it quits. We didn't end badly. We just kinda fizzled out. I honestly, don't even remember what happened. We remained friends & he helped me a lot through my next two big romances. I still swooned over him when i continued to bring flowers to his shows & admittedly was a little happy when i still saw girlies giving me the stink eye when i was so graciously greeted after the bows.



Anyway, in the last few years, he's lived in NYC & i still live in this dumb town (ew, i'm a townie)... even though there is only an hour long train ride between us, it's still difficult to make our lives match up well enough to see each other. So, last week when i randomly got a facebook message from him saying that he "really wanted to see me" i admit, i had a bit of a Scooby-Doo "eroo?" moment. He said that he was going to come home for the weekend because he "decided he wanted to see me". Great! Awesome! I'm stoked! He didn't come. Today, gasp! a text message! "I think I'm coming home tonight, i'll holler at ya"... then "hey, can i stay at your place?" Sure. of course you can, but my room is a mother luv'n hazard waste land, so i'll need to do some seriously fast cleaning. "i don't care about clean rooms" Well... i rushed home & cleaned the room. It was gross, & after an hour & a half of cleaning, so was i. yuck. 9:30, better get in the shower. "Yo homie, you coming or did i waste my evening cleaning?" "Ahh, i'm actually not babe... sunday night maybe" "What a dick! i've been cleaning since 8!!!" "I told you I wasn't for sure! I'm sorry!"

Of course it's ok. I mean, he didn't say he was absolutely coming. So, why am i annoyed? Because i dropped everything to clean up & make sure that i was available when he wasn't absolutely coming. Why'd i do that? How dumb of me. I shulda cleared a path from the door to the bed & said "fuck it, he won't care" & then gone to the damn bar. By the time we woulda gotten back to the house we woulda passed out anyway. who cares about a clean room.

what a waste.

Oh ya... for all of you that have read back into the old entries, yes, he's the cutie in the Truth ad that i posted about LAST july. Lannon, sweetie, if you're reading this for some weirdo reason... i luv ya boo, nbd.

still luvs him, but do not luvs that i wasted my night for no reason. poo*

Truth!

Look!

Check it out ladies! See that hot hot hottie in the bag of bones costume?

watch the gut in the plaid shirt... isn't he cute?

That is Lannon Killea, my high school sweetheart & good friend. I'm so proud!

luvs u Lan!

luvvvvssssss it*