Super Slick Duck in Plaid

ugh. he was sooooooooo fine.
i went out with the girls [JenBunny & Cheryl, aka "CherriePie"] &, if i do say so myself, i look hottt

& after a little while, i'd caught the eyes of a few dudes. but no ducks.

quack, quack, quack... bingo!

total duck spotting... no, not spotting... spotted! me! he started heading MY way before i'd even noticed him. there he was, talking to me & the first time i peeped his gorg face, he was already sorting out what line to open with.
i have no idea what he said, can't remember, but i'm sure it was balla.

blah blah blah.. 

we're flirting, drinking, doing shots, dancing a little bit, flirting some more...

completely wrapped up in the game...

& neither one of us is ready to fold.

the only problem with this particular game...
if no one is willing to give, then there are no winners. it's a lose lose if two players set up check mate.
you're both stuck, trying to make moves, drink'n down shots of liquid courage, swagga on the rocks, betting blindly while the drink dealer cashes in. Bars are like Casinos that way... the House always wins.
the duck & i... we're still in it. dancing around the checkered board, passing Go & collecting our $200. Rolling hard eights, & full on competing for the grand prize.

he gets handsy, i act coy. 

a cocky move, a clever comment,

he ante's off for me while i have a smoke, skillfully, stupidly, after he tells me he's a fire fighter [drool.] & that he "despises smokers"... [rude...].
whatever, he's hot, i'm def interested, but, hello... i've been in a long term relationship with nicotine for a while & he's not about to be breaking my vices in the first night...

deep rooted conversations that i can't recall a word of...

full on public make outs that are flashes of memories...

a first name & a fuzzy picture of a face to remember him by...

a phone number...

an invite back to his place...

i say no...

i tell him to come back with me...

he says no... 

[check mate... who's gunna susceed?]

he turns to leave...

he's out of sight, lost in a sea of pawns..

i text him...

boom.

I land on Boardwalk, & he owns it... with hotels...

mortgage my properties, cash in my chips, sacrifice my Queen...

he doesn't text back.

i lose.

he wins.

fuck.

...but... as my lent vow says, i will not stress over it. i lost this round, but he lost his shot. i may have folded the hand, but he didn't get a chance to see what i was holding, so he's the one that really loses.

 right?

luvs it*

say whaaa?!

 

wow.

i did NOT see that coming...

 

Houdini called me... like an hour & a half ago.

 

[in the dark? original post here, catch up then come back!!! please?] 

the two things he said that were so typical:

"i was reaaaally drunk" - ya, i know, cop out central, but i've been there before, so, i guess i'll take that & cash it.

"my ride was out the door & i couldn't find you" - well, i mean, i was basically in the same two spots the entire night; kitchen or garage... other than the 5 mins i was in the bathroom. so...

my misunderstanding:

it wasn't until about 30 mins into our conversation (which lasted an hour...) that i realized his text:

[was good seeing you but i think i'm donzo. peace out kiddo]

was NOT meant to be what i read it as.

-boys, take note...

when i saw that [after a day of drinking, yes] i took it as

"look.. i'm over it, i'm over you, i'm done with this. it was nice to see you, but nothing is happening with us"

what he MEANT was

"i'm glad that i got to see you, but i'm really drunk & i need to go to sleep. hope to see you soon"... 

ya, my bad, sorry guys, i guess i may have done a typical chick thing... at least i read it & was like "ok, whatever, peace" & i didn't explode, yell & flip any tables, jersey style... right?

then...

::neeeeerrrrrrrrrrr kaboooooom!::
 

"i didn't want to admit it, even to myself, but i realize that i like you a lot more than i thought... i really like you."

whaaaa!?

 
honestly, i feel a lil bad writing about this. i feel like, if it were reversed, i'd be real hurt if someone that i'd just admitted to liking, was writing about me on the internet...
shit. am i total bitch for this? [i removed parts of the original post, fyi]
 
anyway. it's getting really late & i have work in the am [ugh.] & a long commute bc i'm crashing on JenBunny's very comfortable pull out couch. [haha].
 
Houdini [i guess i'll have to change the name... maybe Conundrum?] ends up telling me that he'll be home next weekend & wants to take me out on a real, one on one dinner date. He understands that nothing is going to become of it, but he said that he wants to be able to sit down & enjoy some time together... so, maybe i'll do that.

[is that a bad idea?]

i wish that i'd recorded our convo, but i guess that would be REAL nuts. i only wish so that i could reiterate.
at first, i let him have it. i told him that i thought it was bullshit that he peaced, bullshit that he sent me that text (which, i now understand the context of), & told him that he needed to chill out bc i wasn't looking for commitment & he knows he can't either, so he needs to stop even considering it & just let shit go, so we can hang out, have fun & whatever.
at one point, he kinda said "i've had this conversation before, but it was the other way around"

- was he saying that i was acting like a dude? pah. well shit...

so, i guess we'll see, but i'll tell you one thing... shit could get hella weird within the next week or two because i'm still hoping to see my new duck, who happens to be one of Houdini's friends. [whoops?]
 

*fun fact: they are both friends with a few guys i've hooked up with over the years, including ex fame duck, Lannon... they also both are very aware that Lan was "my first" in high school.

**funner fact: i texted ex fame duck today, asking for advice about Cinnamon Duck, because i know they're friends... he said

[He's the man... did you guys eff?]

pah! o man. i luvs that i can ask him that shit. & no, we did not "eff". ha!

 
i don't know, i guess i'll see how it all unfolds. i'll tell you one thing, my luvs, i'm kinda annoyed at the way the world goes. why is it that everything is absolutely stagnant for months, sometimes, then all of a sudden... too much at once? i'm not a juggler. it's not one of my skills...
 

geez. i guess i really need to get my ducks in a row!

 

 

luvs it*

i know boys are stoopid... so then why do i care?

ugh. have you ever come up with the perfect narration for a life story while in an impossibly annoying situation (driving on the highway, brushing your teeth, walking a tight rope)? Well, i came up w/ a luvly little diddy while in the shower just now & i'm peeved that all i can remember are a few choice lines & the bare bones idea. It was whimsical, poetic even. It had lyrics, not lines. it was full of articulate strings of 50 cent SAT words & references to the good 'ole days. :o( i'll try to remember.

blarg...

it all started when i met a boy. i met him in the 6th grade. i was 11. he was in a different "class house" as i was, so i didn't know him very well & honestly, i found him intriguing, but i was far too distracted by the Jack's, the Alex's & the some 23 Chris' in my own "class house" (go yellow house! wooop!) that i was sure were my future. Oh, i'd fantasize about these boys being my first kiss, my prom date, & eventually seeing them at the end of the fearie tale aisle. I thought that they were surely my future, not this silly boy who at the ripe age of 11-12 professed his love for another girl (a GREEN house girl). It was epic in the days of trapper keepers walking into town on fridays & remember locker combination for the first time ever. I didn't much care. at all. not yet anyway.

3 years passed & i "dated" a few boys. Even three that were in high school when i was in 8th grade! (btw.. that made me a slut, not a legend...) my first date came & went, my first kiss was over, disappointing and almost forgotten (i ended up voming all over that kid two weeks later... it's ok.. he deserved it.. the little prick) i'd acted in school plays, gotten a retainer that i wore for about a week & even grew up pretty fast when a close friend passed away tragically the first week of 8th grade. He was 13. Through all of this and moving to a different house, i'd also made new friends and lost some old ones. But i still didn't much know, or care about this boy.



Freshman year of high school. I took theatre. I'd been looking forward to this for so long. A whole class EVERY day to honor & perfect my craft of choice. Well... the teacher got preggers & the year was basically spent with a sub every day reading off a lesson plan. "work.. on your... monologues." disappointing, but ended up being great... don't worry.. i'm getting there. This boy, he was in my acting class. We started to talk, no big deal, worked together on some class work & eventually ended up wanting to work together every day. Oh how quickly i fell. Little did i know what was coming for me. a wirlwind of teen angst, euphoria & heartbreak. Given that every day we had a 48 min period where the 15 (give or take) of us were basically let loose in the auditorium, it became my favourite 48 mins very fast. Do you have any IDEA how many dark corners & secret hiding spots one (or should i say, "two") can find in a big, basically empty theatre? a lot. trust me. i've found them all. including the lighting catwalk about 50 feet over the seats. (terrifying, dusty & definitely NOT romantic..)



So, me & my boy would spend the class in some hidden crevice going over each others monologues, playing the piano (well, he played, i swooned) & just the slightest bit of flirting. There was a wrench in the works... we'll call her "C". She was obnoxious & she wanted him something awful. She sweat him HARD. No worries, she's a minor detail. She had nothing on me! ;o)

ANYWAY... the sad thing is that i don't remember our first kiss... i don't remember our first real "hot & heavy" moment, i couldn't tell you where we went the first time we "went out" or anything like that. I don't even remember what plays we were in together or anything. What i do remember is that i fell fast & i fell hard. He was the object of my affection & i had a lot of affection to give.



He was in the school musical our Freshman year. I sat in the front row. I brought him flowers. It was cute. After that, a club formed. (weird... yes..) He now had a fan club of 8th grade girls who had basically come to the musical to scope out the upper classmen who they would join in a few short months. When the "i love" club was chartered for him, the teenies got wind of my existence & more importantly, my involvement. Many of them saw as i walked past the "actors only" sign & threw my arms around him after the show. I was an obstacle, a BIG one & a threat. There was now an "i hate spanky" club!!! (obviously it wasn't "spanky", but go with me) Can you believe it!? what a bunch of prepubescent bitches, right?




skip ahead a little bit because i'm afraid i might be losing you.

It was Jr. year now. We'd had mountain top highs & shit on the bottom of your shoe lows. We'd shed tears, shared moments, & broken up for periods of 3 months, 3 weeks or 3 hours. We were each others first. It wasn't very romantic, but for everything that it was, it's was damn near perfect. He was, without a shadow of a doubt, my first love. (yes readers.. i said "LOVE" not luv... this was real real LOVE). We even said it to each other. I'd never said it to anyone & even though he would usually only say it at weird times, he said it back. I believe that he meant it.

the reason this is all relevant? Well... about 5 months, roughly 10 fights, the loss of 2 friendships & quite a bid of "dates" later, we called it quits. We didn't end badly. We just kinda fizzled out. I honestly, don't even remember what happened. We remained friends & he helped me a lot through my next two big romances. I still swooned over him when i continued to bring flowers to his shows & admittedly was a little happy when i still saw girlies giving me the stink eye when i was so graciously greeted after the bows.



Anyway, in the last few years, he's lived in NYC & i still live in this dumb town (ew, i'm a townie)... even though there is only an hour long train ride between us, it's still difficult to make our lives match up well enough to see each other. So, last week when i randomly got a facebook message from him saying that he "really wanted to see me" i admit, i had a bit of a Scooby-Doo "eroo?" moment. He said that he was going to come home for the weekend because he "decided he wanted to see me". Great! Awesome! I'm stoked! He didn't come. Today, gasp! a text message! "I think I'm coming home tonight, i'll holler at ya"... then "hey, can i stay at your place?" Sure. of course you can, but my room is a mother luv'n hazard waste land, so i'll need to do some seriously fast cleaning. "i don't care about clean rooms" Well... i rushed home & cleaned the room. It was gross, & after an hour & a half of cleaning, so was i. yuck. 9:30, better get in the shower. "Yo homie, you coming or did i waste my evening cleaning?" "Ahh, i'm actually not babe... sunday night maybe" "What a dick! i've been cleaning since 8!!!" "I told you I wasn't for sure! I'm sorry!"

Of course it's ok. I mean, he didn't say he was absolutely coming. So, why am i annoyed? Because i dropped everything to clean up & make sure that i was available when he wasn't absolutely coming. Why'd i do that? How dumb of me. I shulda cleared a path from the door to the bed & said "fuck it, he won't care" & then gone to the damn bar. By the time we woulda gotten back to the house we woulda passed out anyway. who cares about a clean room.

what a waste.

Oh ya... for all of you that have read back into the old entries, yes, he's the cutie in the Truth ad that i posted about LAST july. Lannon, sweetie, if you're reading this for some weirdo reason... i luv ya boo, nbd.

still luvs him, but do not luvs that i wasted my night for no reason. poo*

Truth!

Look!

Check it out ladies! See that hot hot hottie in the bag of bones costume?

watch the gut in the plaid shirt... isn't he cute?

That is Lannon Killea, my high school sweetheart & good friend. I'm so proud!

luvs u Lan!

luvvvvssssss it*