o for fucks sake.

well, i'm back. i'm glad to be home, but i sure as hell miss the simplicity of being somewhere other than home.

it was really nice to have someone else's shit to keep track of. it forced me to forget my own.

now i'm back & so is it.

School is going terribly. I'm completely failing my sketching course. I haven't even done any work on it in weeks. I'm trying to drop out of it, but no one at the damn school will get back to me.
My other one is ok, but it's just, not something that I'm excited about. at all. which is weird, bc who isn't excited to learn about Fashion? (i guess... me?)

(i feel so trapped.)

The only things that excite me are writing on my blog... looking at photographs... & day dreaming about a better life. (woah... that was depressing).

I need to get out of here. I need to meet new people. I met wonderful people in Georgia. All of the other bridesmaids are some of my favourite people in the world now. but, of course, they live on the bottom of the damn country... so i'll never get to see them.

::tear::

I feel like everything is a test, everything is complicated, everything is unnecessary... nothing is... real... or maybe it's too real.

this can't be life. it just can't be. 

I don't know what to do. I need some damn direction. I need some damn inspiration. I need some damn exiliration.

i need...

a life. 

Advice? Help? Motivation? Anything?

not so much in the "luvs it" mood... (& i'm usually so chipper)

while making the photos for this post, my mother informed me that we they (THEY) are moving in January... i guess that means that this little birdie is getting a violent shove out the nest.... who the fuck knows where i'll end up. shit.

this post just progressed down a dark, dark path.

i'm sorry luvs. i'm just in a shit-tastic place today...

sleepy lil show-off...

i thought before i went to bed, i'd show you all a little of what's been keeping me away...

it is 230am on a damn monday & i JUST finished my homework (due by 3am aka midnight on the west coast...)

here's this weeks assignment...

2 point perspective city (from my lil imagination)

1 point perspective neighbourhood (also from my lil noggin)...

sooo tired...

luvs it*

apple for the teacher

Y'think if i fed-ex a nice shiny red apple to my teachers (from CT to CA) it'd send the wrong message? I'm guessing that it might, especially since by the time that it gets there, it might have rotted... then they'll be like

"great way to start the semester, some freak overnighted me a rotten apple... F"

maybe i'll just stick with being punctual and participating. My past college experience was way different. I was always kinda hated by class mates because i'd raise my hand, talk in every discussion and sit in the front row. (in college i was very concerned about doing well, bc in high school i was usually in the back of the classroom sleeping or fucking around).

Well, today i signed into my online classes at AAU (Academy of Art University) for the first time! Eek! I'm nervous, but excited.

After my literal breakdown on tuesday (bye bye adorable Cabrio, i've luvd you so much!) i had somewhat of a MENTAL breakdown yesterday. It all was just a little too much to handle & i lost sight of the chipper goofy Spanky you all know & luv.

It made me think though. I started wondering if this "Spanky" character is the silver lining of myself that i wish i could be all the time. I was taking a stroll down memory lane through my past posts and realized that 9/10 times, i seem like my life is a daily blasty!

Well, my dears, that's simply not true. I'm beginning to think that without meaning to, i used this blog as a therapeutic measure to bring my happy fun side out to take over when the fishies in my head are fighting the whirl pool.

IMPORTANT:

in NO way does this mean that i'm a fake. Sara is Beyonce Knowles, Spanky is Sasha Fierce (y'knah-imean?) I'm optimistic that Spanky, may very well be keeping Sara alive. This blog may very well be my real life rabbit Hole and all of you are watching my journey through an all too familiar Wonderland (only it's not a Wonderland... it's like the opposite... i don't wonder.. i expect... Spanky goes to Wonderland.. Sara lives in Expectland... wow... that's some lame, sad shit!)
anyway luvrs,

i think that my half a glass of wine may be getting to me... or maybe i'm sleep deprived... or maybe i'm fuck'n nutso.

regardless, i'm out. i will be back soon. i promise.

oh ya... i also died my hair. did i mention that? it's not blonde anymore. it's dark. i asked for strawberry blonde, i got kinda dark reddish brown (gee.. thanks...) it's growing on me, but i'm still pissed that i got something i totally did NOT ask for... ugh.
luvs it*