diary of a manic obsessive.


o for fucks sake.

well, i'm back. i'm glad to be home, but i sure as hell miss the simplicity of being somewhere other than home.

it was really nice to have someone else's shit to keep track of. it forced me to forget my own.
now i'm back & so is it.

School is going terribly. I'm completely failing my sketching course. I haven't even done any work on it in weeks. I'm trying to drop out of it, but no one at the damn school will get back to me.
My other one is ok, but it's just, not something that I'm excited about. at all. which is weird, bc who isn't excited to learn about Fashion? (i guess... me?)

(i feel so trapped.)

The only things that excite me are writing on my blog... looking at photographs... & day dreaming about a better life. (woah... that was depressing).

I need to get out of here. I need to meet new people. I met wonderful people in Georgia. All of the other bridesmaids are some of my favourite people in the world now. but, of course, they live on the bottom of the damn country... so i'll never get to see them.
I feel like everything is a test, everything is complicated, everything is unnecessary... nothing is... real... or maybe it's too real.
this can't be life. it just can't be. 

I don't know what to do. I need some damn direction. I need some damn inspiration. I need some damn exiliration.
i need...
a life. 

Advice? Help? Motivation? Anything?

not so much in the "luvs it" mood... (& i'm usually so chipper)

while making the photos for this post, my mother informed me that we they (THEY) are moving in January... i guess that means that this little birdie is getting a violent shove out the nest.... who the fuck knows where i'll end up. shit.

this post just progressed down a dark, dark path.
i'm sorry luvs. i'm just in a shit-tastic place today...


  1. Here's my two cents:

    Take advantage of the fact your parents are moving and go to another city or better yet, another country. Take six months, a year is better, and explore. Work. Meet new people from all over the world. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

    I felt exactly the same way as you do between the ages of about 23-27 so I took off to Ireland for a year. It was the best year of my life. I went by myself which was scary and sometimes a bit lonely, but I met so many awesome people who were just as scared and lonely. I travelled to countries in Europe alone - spent weeks in Italy, Greece and Spain by myself and friggen loved it. I went to Scotland with some of my friends - two Canadian girls and a guy from Sweden and it was the best. I went to Egypt in a tour group. I lived in hostels and shared rooms and bathrooms with sometimes up to five other people. I drank a country's worth of beer. (I actually think I gave myself a stomach ulcer. For real)

    It was the best thing I could have done and I tell everyone that they should do it as well. I don't know what visa agreements the US has with other countries, regarding living and working, but you should definitely check it out.

    Do it. Do it, do it, do it. DO IT.

  2. this is why i hate myself sometimes. i read your comment & tears weld up in my eyes.
    i'm chicken shit. i don't do things like. i am a coward that hides behind what i believe to be logic.
    i have a dog, she depends on me, i would miss her, i can't take her. i have no money saved, i have a million excuses.
    i would miss my family, i'd miss seeing my cousin grow up in the time.
    fuck me. someone needs to kidnap me & take me away & not give me a choice.
    room mate anyone? are you willing to club & drag me?

  3. Aw love, don't hate yourself!! It's a shit time and I think everyone goes through it.

    I have a cat which broke my heart to leave behind, but I was lucky my aunty could look after him while I was gone, so I understand that.

    Did you say a while ago that one of your friends wants to move to California? Why don't you say you'll go for six months or something? That's not too long at all and it's not too far to not be able to come back home. And you can take the puppy! A change of scenery, even just for a couple of months, could make all the difference. And there's no rules, if you don't like it, there wouldn't be anything to stop you from coming home.

    That way, you could go with a friend so you've got your support system, you're still in the same country as your family, you can take your dog, it's cheaper than nicking off overseas and you won't have to learn a new lanuage.

    But seriously, it's a tough move and I wouldn't blame you for not going. This feeling is one of the worst ones.

    What about a new job? Moving into the city?

    Don't be too hard on yourself. Watch a movie that you know will make you laugh. Have a glass of wine. Take a walk. Have a bath. See some friends you haven't seen for a while. Go out for dinner. You'll be okay. xx

  4. wow thats a bummer! I hate when things seem to be piling up and bad news around every corner. I'm sorry you gots to move but try and look on the positive you can go anywhere!

  5. luvs u girls. thanks for the pep talk sweeties.

  6. Everyone has bad patches and I know I have the same mood as this often, the best solution I have found is to try to focus on something you do like to help get you through. If it's blogging, blog your face off. You also need to start on a plan to get where you want to go and have a back-up. Believe me though, a lot easier to say it than to do it, I agree it is much easier to help other people out with their problems than to un-fuck your own. try to find something to smile at and take a deep breath, there is a way out of everything and (hopefully) stuff doesn't suck forever.


  7. wow Kris,

    i don't know if i'd seen this post of urs before.
    thank you so much. it just put a smile on my face.


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