like, my heart has holes in it, & with a passing movement of something beautiful, the hole is filled, just for a fleeting second, & when that happens, the blood in my veins is velvet.
its an instant. i'm in over my head before i have a chance to stop myself. i'll quake, i'll sob, goose-bumps, tears.
I can't explain it. it could be anything. Its happened all my life. Its happened at museums, during movies, sometimes i'm lucky enough to be alone, sometimes i'm surrounded by people.
i can't always pin point its meaning until it's over, & sometimes not even then.
was it sorrow? love? pain? utter joy?
it just happened to me. I was just sitting, alone in my room, eating guacamole & watching that new ABC Family show, HUGE. [the show is about a Fat camp, starring Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray & David Hasslehoff's daughter, Hayley]
The premise of the episode was Talent Night at the camp. Ian, friend to tough chick Will(imina), played by Blonsky, had found her journal, not knowing it was hers & was extremely inspired by a poem he read inside. He wrote this song, using bits of the poem.
this might sound silly, but it was so beautiful, i kinda lost my shit. All of a sudden, i'm sitting here, guac tortilla in hand, ear budz in my ears, tears streaming down my face.
the lyrics are:
"Why does time move forward and never end? Why cant I somehow become a child again? I'd it right this time, I'd it right this time, I'd it right, this time. Ooh,. Ooh Snow would fall upwards dead leaves would turn green, I'd be a version of myself i've never seen. I'd it right this time, I'd it right this time, I'd it right this time. Ooh, Ooh The snow falls down and dead leaves break apart. Yeah, things fall down and people break your heart, And people break your heart. Time moves forward so does this song, Which i can barely write. So I'll write it wrong,. I'll write it wrong this time, Cause wrong is right this time. Lets do it right this time"
when this rush of my soul feeling full & tickled by the beauty or sadness or spiritual awakening, what-have-you, when this happens, i can't help but think of the plastic bag in American Beauty.
"sometimes there's so much beauty, in the world, i feel like i can't take it. my heart, is just going to, cave in."
i feel exposed.
i just thought i'd share that moment with you all.