the "plastic bag" feeling.

sometimes i feel like a broken soul...
like, my heart has holes in it, & with a passing movement of something beautiful, the hole is filled, just for a fleeting second, & when that happens, the blood in my veins is velvet.
its an instant. i'm in over my head before i have a chance to stop myself. i'll quake, i'll sob, goose-bumps, tears.
I can't explain it. it could be anything. Its happened all my life. Its happened at museums, during movies, sometimes i'm lucky enough to be alone, sometimes i'm surrounded by people.

i can't always pin point its meaning until it's over, & sometimes not even then.

was it sorrow? love? pain? utter joy?

it just happened to me. I was just sitting, alone in my room, eating guacamole & watching that new ABC Family show, HUGE. [the show is about a Fat camp, starring Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray & David Hasslehoff's daughter, Hayley]
The premise of the episode was Talent Night at the camp. Ian, friend to tough chick Will(imina), played by Blonsky, had found her journal, not knowing it was hers & was extremely inspired by a poem he read inside. He wrote this song, using bits of the poem.

this might sound silly, but it was so beautiful, i kinda lost my shit. All of a sudden, i'm sitting here, guac tortilla in hand, ear budz in my ears, tears streaming down my face.

the lyrics are:

"Why does time move forward and never end? Why cant I somehow become a child again? I'd it right this time, I'd it right this time, I'd it right, this time. Ooh,. Ooh Snow would fall upwards dead leaves would turn green, I'd be a version of myself i've never seen. I'd it right this time, I'd it right this time, I'd it right this time. Ooh, Ooh The snow falls down and dead leaves break apart. Yeah, things fall down and people break your heart, And people break your heart. Time moves forward so does this song, Which i can barely write. So I'll write it wrong,. I'll write it wrong this time, Cause wrong is right this time. Lets do it right this time"

when this rush of my soul feeling full & tickled by the beauty or sadness or spiritual awakening, what-have-you, when this happens, i can't help but think of the plastic bag in American Beauty. 

"sometimes there's so much beauty, in the world, i feel like i can't take it. my heart, is just going to, cave in."

i feel exposed.

i just thought i'd share that moment with you all.

luvs it*

beauty in haze.

the beauty in haze

is something uneasily seen

beyond a gaze

imperfect, flawed, unclean...

[just something i'm working on...]

[u like?]

luvs it*

[photo borrowed from http://einnobbb.blogspot.com/ via weheartit.com]

the belief in beauty

i let someone in today.
really, really in... into the darkness that you all don't see. no one sees.

it was scary,

but...

now i feel better.

after i let my secret out, i told them how i believe in the "religion" of beauty.  it's always bothered me that the core truth behind all religious beliefs is supposed to be love, yet, the world has manipulated everything about religion to turn it into a stubourn foot to stand on in the fight for division.

i think that's nuts, so i refuse to believe it.

i'll be religious, but i'll believe in beauty, art and love. 

maybe that makes me a hippie, but, great, fantastic. i'm fine with that.

it's about respecting the life, the luv & the  gifts we have been given.

look at this clip from *The Little Princess* & tell me that you don't have your breath knocked out of you by the beauty of it. Sure, it may not be what you, or anyone you may know would think of as conventional, but it's a contemporary vision of a story and a belief that's ancient.

my religious, out of body moments happen when something brings a euphoric mental image to my mind, that sends chills down my spine, brings tears to my eyes & makes my heart swell.

when i saw the Beatles *LOVE* show in Vegas, or hear there songs.

when i see a perfect photo or painting.

when i see the amazing images in a new film mashed together with the perfect soundtrack in a trailer.

a literary string of words that flow in perfect rhythm.

just like ziggy... love is my religion.

how can anyone not see the absolute, insane, mind blowing beauty in every belief?

William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet (directed by the uh-mazing Baz Luhrmann) is littered in tradegic, exquisite, allure.

if these things don't send the most sensational spasms through your nerves, than you just don't have blood in your heart. seriously.

 i told my friend how i have a dream to have a gorgeous mantle covered in beautiful bits of every belief. that may seem blasphemous to some, but to me, it seems like the best belief there are.

statues of gods, saints, madalions, paintings, beads, poetry, lace, art, love, everything.

everything.

a center piece, in a perfect little living room, dripping with love and illuminated with twinkle lights.

perf.

what do you think?

luvs it*