diary of a manic obsessive.


a letter to everyone i know, but no one in particular...

A good friend of mine, and many of yours wrote something recently. To them, it most likely was just for their own peace of mind, but to me, it was truly enlightening.
I’m writing this to clear the air. I have recently felt bewildered and distressed because of the way things have been in my life, whether it be losing contact with some good friends, confronting long lived battles, or the vibe I’ve gotten from people that I thought were close to me.
I have not always been the best friend, or even the favourite person to be around. I understand this. I’d like to apologize to anyone that I may have ever wronged or, in the heat of a bad moment, ever “turned against”. I truly am sorry, and I want you all to know that I have never intended to hurt anyone, not really.
Some of you may be on wonderful terms with me, some of you may be in that “pretend friendship” place, and some of you may not be on speaking terms with me at all, but for all of you, I’d like you to know that it makes me sad to think that at one point in my life, whether it be recent, or ancient history, long term or short, you meant something to me.
I know that a lot of you may be sitting at your computers rolling your eyes, and many might not even be reading anymore, but that’s a chance that I’m willing to take. I’m even willing to put on a strong face when I see you even if this letter becomes the topic of gossip. I don’t expect a response of any kind, and in some way, I might not even want them. This is in no way intended to make anyone uncomfortable or to dig up any old news. I’m not in a 12-step program either! This is my own thing. I understand that it seems like a weird thing to do and some of you may think that it’s total bullshit. I get that, I don’t know how I’d react if I was on the receiving end, but I know that at least my curiosity would drive me to read to the end.
For some of you, we may have started off as friends and then somewhere along the line, we had an upset, if this is you, I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart it kills me to think that I had any part in hurting a friend. If we had an argument and I said something horrible, I probably didn’t mean it, and if I did, I was most likely being rude and defensive.
For some of you, we might have been “enemies” from the start. I am extremely sorry for that, since that’s just inexcusable. There is never a reason to judge someone before you really know what he or she is about and so to you, I was ignorant and immature. I’m very sorry.
Some of you, I’m sorry to say, I just haven’t given you enough time. Whether you live further away than I can easily get to, or whether it just never seems to work out that we can spend time together, I’m so sorry and I will make an effort to be a better friend. It’s more of my own damn procrastination than anything else.
Some of you I had a relationship with. Some of you I dated, some “saw” for a little while, I never meant to hurt anyone, but I’m afraid with this group of people it wasn’t so much that I hurt you, it’s the way that I most likely reacted when I was hurt. All I did was probably confirm your reasoning for wanting to break it off with me and for THAT I’m really sorry. If I made an ass out of myself, it was most likely out of self-pity gone horrible awry. Some of you I may have persisted with, some I may have just blown it completely, some I’m still friends with. To all of you that had relationships with me, I want you to know that you all had a lot to do with this realization. I’ve lost too many people that I cared about. I hope that I helped you grow as you helped me, and I want you to know that you all did mean a lot to me at that part of my life.
Some of you have hurt me, maybe intentionally, maybe without knowing. To all of you I say that I’m sorry for retaliating, getting angry, or cutting you out of my life. I could say that at the time, however I handled it was the only way I felt that I could, but I don’t think that’s fair. There had to have been a better way to go about it. To those of you that may have over heard something and not said anything, that is your prerogative, but I want you to know that most of you, I defend, even if we’re not on the best terms.
To those of you that I’m perfectly fine with, I wanted you to read this to so that you can understand me as well, but this is in NO way a message to everyone to know that I feel scorned. That is not my intention. I included you to let you know that I am so grateful for our friendships.
Now the part that I really didn’t want to get to…
There are some of you that, to an outside view, seem to be my good friends. Most of the time even to ME you seem to be my good friends. I fear that this isn’t exactly accurate. I know that there are some of you that may act like my friend to my face, but actually don’t give a damn either way about me when I’m not there. To all of you, I say I’m sorry for anything that I may have done, but more importantly, I ask “Why?” I’d really like to know what it is that makes you act like a friend, yet be anything but behind my back. I hope that all of you will know that I’m aware of your true feelings and I hope that you can be as truthful about yourself as I am trying to be about myself. I forgive all of you, even if you don’t want my understanding or forgiveness, I’m giving it to you anyway.
Like all of you, I am just trying to get by. I would love it if I could be enjoying every moment of my life, but for now it’s about making the right decisions and hoping for a positive outcome.
I hope that you all realize that I care about you in some way. I never want anything bad to ever happen to you and I hope that you live a happy life.
Some of you don’t seem to realize exactly how much you really do mean to me, and that makes me so sad. There are a certain few of you that I have always been there for and always had the utmost love and honestly, pride for. I hope so much that you recognize that. It’s important to know that there are people that care for you, and it’s important for me that those people know I care for them.
So here it is, my apology and my forgiveness, a clean slate if you will, or at least a platform to start something new or work on something old.
Please take this for what it is, and I hope that you all understand what my attempt is with this. I hope you all also understand that it took a lot for me to write this.
I truly do care for each and every one of you and I can’t handle feeling that there is ill will between me and any of you.
I thank all of you that got to this point. I hope I didn’t make any matters worse, or make any of you think I’m a complete nut. This was just something that I felt I needed to do, regardless of the outcome.

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